The Official Rule Book Concerning the Company of Thorin Oakenshield
by biddle29
Summary: Section I - Article I: Concerning Ale: There will be no drinking contests (the results have not been satisfactory. The last time this occurred, Erestor had nightmares for months. He did not appreciate being serenaded as "the most beautiful she-elf in all Middle Earth". You know who you are KILI)
1. Introduction

Introduction:

Rules exist to enforce safety and order in life. Without them, chaos would most certainly ensue. Therefore, it has been decided that in order to ensure the safety of everyone a series of rules have been established to prevent the Company of Thorin Oakenshield from wreaking havoc in Middle Earth. These rules have been compiled to form the Official Rule Book. It is required that the company read and follow these rules; there will be no exceptions and all those guilty of shirking the law will be severely punished.

- The Guardians of Middle Earth

_Gandalf, you are included in this generalization. You are technically a part of the company, so therefore you will follow the rules. Especially the ones that apply directly to you._

- Lord Elrond of Rivendell


	2. Section I - Article I: Concerning Ale

Section I - Article I: _Concerning Ale_

1. All dwarves (and hobbits and wizards), are entitled to NO MORE than THREE pints of ale (this will hopefully prevent you from becoming drunk)

2. There will be no drinking contests (the results have not been satisfactory. The last time this occurred, Erestor had nightmares for months. He did not appreciate being serenaded as "the most beautiful she-elf in all Middle Earth". You know who you are KILI)

3. Singing loud and obnoxious drinking songs is strictly prohibited, they have been known to disturb the peace on many occasions (Bilbo Baggins, you know what we speak of. DO NOT attempt to sing an inappropriate song that the dwarves taught you so that all of Rivendell will hear it AGAIN! Seriously, Erestor is scarred for life)

4. She-dwarves are not allowed to be mentioned while drinking, all of Middle Earth does not need to know how you like to spend your time with she-dwarves (no one was impressed)

5. No dwarves, hobbits or wizards are allowed to drink, possess or be within one hundred feet of elvish wine. It is very potent and one pint results in a company of very drunk dwarves (we would like to know who procured this wine for them; you will be punished, we would just like to know who you are)

6. No belching contests are allowed while drinking; though you may think it amusing others are thoroughly disgusted by it

7. Dwalin is not allowed to be in possession of his weapons while drinking, this will result in a massacre (we would not like to relive past experiences, Glorfindel's hair took forever to grow back)

8. Ori is not allowed to have his writing supplies while drinking and we would appreciate it if he would inform us how to remove the ink from skin (Saruman was not amused when he awoke with spectacles drawn onto his face)

9. Nori must be locked up if he is drinking and the key must be thrown away until further notice. We would appreciate it if he would return everything he stole during his last drinking excursion

10. Thorin is not allowed to be near a mirror while drinking (it unnerved a great number of people to see him admiring himself)

11. Gandalf is not allowed to be in possession of any and all materials capable of producing fire while drinking. THIS INCLUDES ALL FIREWORKS (you nearly burned all of Rivendell down as well as multiple other places)

12. Bifur is not allowed to be near any plants while drinking (we are not sure how he managed to come into possession of poison ivy but he somehow did and managed to ingest it without any of us knowing)

13. No one is allowed to relate Balin to a "Santa Claus" while he is drunk. We are not sure what that is but he did not take kindly to it. We have yet to find the victim of his wrath.

14. Dori is not allowed near Elrohir and Elladan's room while drinking. They did not appreciate the thorough cleaning it received from said dwarf.

15. Fili is not anywhere near dye when drinking (many are still suffering from pink hair from the last attack)

16. NO ONE is allowed to steal Bofur's hat as a practical joke while he is drinking or at ANY OTHER TIME (we were thoroughly surprised when Fili and Kili escaped alive)

17. Bombur is not allowed near the kitchens while drinking. We were without food for Valar knows how long after the last incident

18. Oin must be in possession of his hearing trumpet while drunk and we do not care if you permanently forge it to his head, he must be using it (ale apparently extremely warps what he hears, Elrond is still avoiding him because of this)

19. Gloin is not allowed to make bets while drinking. As the best drinker it is unfair to the others when you make bets while sober and they make bets while they are drunk. You are guaranteed to win

20. Bilbo Baggins is not allowed anywhere near a frying pan while drinking and it is advised that everyone avoid him if one is found in his possession (it turns out that the frying pan can actually be lethal weapon)

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**Author's Note: Hi guys! To all those who read "The Dark Star", don't worry I'm working on the next chapter! **

**This was just an idea I had and I wanted to see what people thought of it.**

**Ideas for new lists of rules are always welcome! **

**Read and Review please! :D**

**-Biddle29**


	3. Section I - Article: Concerning Snow

**A.N: If you guys have any ideas for funny lists of rules, feel free to let me know! :D**

**And thanks to those of you who reviewed, favorite and followed. You're awesome! :D And for all you anonymous readers, thanks to you too!**

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Section I – Article II: _Concerning Snow _

1. All dwarves are forbidden to create anatomically correct snow-men and snow-women (to put it lightly, many people were scarred for life)

2. Dwarves are forbidden to have snow wars (we have yet to figure out what exactly happened to Lindir…we have not seen him since though)

3. In line with rule three, dwarves are forbidden to create snow forts (though they are excellent architects, this does not hold true to snow. One of our many theories is that Lindir was buried alive in one of their collapsed snow forts)

4. Dwarves are not allowed to bury people in snow (this is also another theory of Lindir's untimely demise)

5. Dwarves are not allowed to create snowballs (they have a terrible habit of placing rocks and other sharp objects in the middle of their snowballs)

6. Dwarves are not allowed to put snow ANYWHERE in other's clothing (no one was amused when Erestor received a pile of snow to a very sensitive area that shall not be mentioned)

7. Before entering snow, it must be ensured that Bilbo is dressed warmly enough, particularly his feet (when Bilbo is complaining about cold feet, no one is happy)

8. Dwarves are not allowed to push each other or anyone else down snowy slopes (this is yet another theory of Lindir's strange disappearance)

9. Thorin must wear a hood while in the snow (if his perfect hair is mussed up because of the snow, EVERYONE feels his wrath)

10. NO ONE is allowed to push Dwalin down a steep hill on a shield (he was not happy and will not fail to follow through with his promise to tear the limbs off of the person who did it; we will not protect you if you are his victim)

11. Bombur is forbidden to eat yellow snow, we have nothing more to say on the matter

12. Fili and Kili are not allowed anywhere near each other when snow is present. This will result in either one or both of them disappearing only to reemerge a while later completely frozen. Or it will result in one or more people buried in an accidental avalanche. OR it could result in one or more people being the victims of one of their nefarious pranks.

13. Kili is not allowed to leave his arrows lying around in the snow. It is VERY difficult to see them and multiple people have reported stepping on stray arrows. They were not happy to say the least.

14. Bifur is not allowed to bury himself in the snow (Seriously, it took us almost half a day to find him again and when we did he started spouting gibberish at us about how we destroyed his cave)

15. Bofur is not allowed to wear his hat while sledding. During a freak sledding wipe-out he lost it and went on a rampage until he found it again (we would prefer never seeing something like that again, Elrohir and Eladan were nearly trampled by him)

16. Dori is forbidden to go near snow. He nearly killed himself trying to clear all the snow away.

17. NO ONE and we repeat NO ONE is allowed to hide Dori's tea pot in the snow, this will result in one or more people being severely maimed and this will also result in Dori nearly killing himself trying to find it (as said in rule 16)

18. Ori is not allowed to write messages in the snow to ANYONE, whether they are in the company or not

19. Nori is forbidden to hide stolen articles in the snow. He has yet to discover that more likely than not, this will ruin whatever he stole. The owner is not amused when he returns their possessions after such treatment when he is caught.

20. Do NOT bury Oin's hearing trumpet in the snow or anything other possessions of his. (He was not amused KILI. Lord Elrond will not help you when you get a funny rash that may or may not be life threatening)

21. Bombur is forbidden to go near ice (we do not wish to pull him out of again when the ice breaks from his weight)

22. Snow and dwarves do not mix (do not listen if Kili tells you otherwise, he is lying to you)

23. Gandalf is not allowed to melt the snow using his magic (the last time he did this, it created a giant flood that nearly washed away Rivendell. Elrond was not amused; neither were his soggy slippers)

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**A.N: When I wrote this part, I couldn't help but smile when I got to Gandalf's rule. I kept picturing a thoroughly soaked Lord Elrond with a completely furious look on his face holding out a pair of soggy slippers saying 'You owe me a new pair of slippers!' :D It's like that guy from Mulan!**

**And for the first rule XD I'll be extremely proud if anyone gets the reference! It's from one of my favorite comic strips! Feel free to guess! :D**

**READ AND REVIEW GUYS! :D IT WOULD BE MUCH APPERCIATED :)**


	4. Section V-Article IV: Concerning Guests

Section V – Article IV: _Concerning Guests and Best Behavior_

1. All dwarves, hobbits and wizards are to be on their best behavior when they are guests in other peoples home (if you are in your own home, we could care less but we would prefer that you refrained from destroying our homes)

2. No dwarves are allowed to refuse the food that is put before and then raid the kitchens at a later time (Gandalf we know you helped them find the meat) THIS INCLUDES GREEN FOOD

3. No dwarves are allowed to stand on the table top, whether they are singing or just trying to get back to their seat (we were not amused when the table flipped over; Saruman is still plotting revenge for the pie that flew into his face)

4. No dishes, mugs or cutlery of any sort is to be tossed around to any song (we are aware of the fact that you have never missed, but we would rather be safe than sorry; Bilbo almost blew a blood vessel during the last incident)

5. No dwarves are allowed in the bathrooms UNLESS you have permission to be there (Bilbo was not happy with his plumbing)

6. Kili is not allowed to flirt with any of the serving elves in Rivendell during dinner (the males requested a transfer to Mirkwood after the last incident) and he is required to learn the how to tell male and female elves apart (besides specific body parts)

7. Thorin is not allowed to act all high and mighty when he is a guest at another person's home. We are aware that he is the Big Bad King Under the Mountain so there is no need to be so rude to his host

8. Gandalf is not allowed to bring uninvited guests; he has a known habit of doing this

9. Fili (as said in rule three) is NOT ALLOWED to stand on the table top for any reason (we will not help you when Saruman finds out it was your fault the table flipped)

10. Ori is not allowed to have ale while he is a guest in another person's home (it is scary to say the least, who knew that such power was hidden inside that little dwarf? That last one sounded like thunder! (This is another reasons we have said there are to be no burping contests))

11. We respectfully request that Nori return the silverware he stole. He is not allowed to take anymore and if it is not returned in due time, there will be no saving him from our wrath

12. Bifur is not allowed to eat the center piece (those flowers were Arwen's favorites too)

13. Bofur is not allowed to randomly break out into song (Lindir was scarred, to say the least, during the last incident and you fell off the table top into his arms)

14. Bombur is not allowed a fifth serving and we require his help in repairing the bench he broke (no one else feels like fitting all the pieces back together, it was his fault so it was unanimously voted that he would have to fix it)

15. No one is allowed to put ale in Oin's hearing trumpet (we would rather not have him spew the ale everywhere again)

16. Gloin is not allowed to drink ale unless he is alone or amongst other dwarves (no one enjoys seeing dried ale in his beard; I believe Lindir was sick the last time)

17. Dwalin is not allowed to rifle through a salad looking for meat EVEN IF he has washed his hands (the last time this happened, a poor elf accidentally ate one of his wristbands that fell off)

18. Every dwarf, hobbit and wizard must follow Balin's example when they are a guest in another's household, he actually behaves as a proper guest should

19. NO DWARVES are allowed to raid other's pantries and if they do this they must replenish the supply of food (we do not appreciate an empty pantry; LORD ELROND IS ONE GRUMPY ELF WHEN HE DOES NOT HAVE HIS MIDNIGHT SNACK)

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**A.N. Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed / favorited / followed last chapter! I hope you like this chapter! :D READ AND REVIEW PLEASE**


	5. Section III-Article II: The Campsite

**A.N: Hi guys and thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorited and or followed this story last chapter! You guys are the best! :D I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks this is pretty funny! :D Without further ado, here's the next section! Thanks to greenwings33 for the idea! **

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Section III – Article II: _Concerning the Campsite _

1. Everyone has their respected job in the campsite, there will be no shirking of jobs or tricking another into doing your job (you know what we speak of Fili and Kili, no more tricking Ori into watching the ponies for you. The brothers Ri were not happy when they found him tied to a tree)

2. Each member of the company has their own resting area, there is no sharing under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES

3. Each member of the company has their own blanket. Blankets ARE NOT meant to be shared (Brothers Ur, this means you!)

4. In line with rule three, the Brothers Ur are not allowed to sleep near each other (no one wants to wake up to another blanket war)

5. Bombur must be five feet away from everyone when sleeping; he has an uncanny ability of stealing other people's blankets

6. Thorin must have a proper amount of sleep every night; he is grumpy enough with enough sleep. An under slept Thorin is even worse (we had no idea that was even possible)

7. Bilbo Baggins is forbidden to perform any campsite duty without the supervision of someone who is not Fili or Kili (we do not know how he manages it, but he somehow ALWAYS destroys the camp; we're not sure if Thorin has forgiven him for the last incident yet; he was not happy with his new muddy hairdo)

8. Someone must be watching Bifur at all times when making camp as he has a very bad habit of wandering off into trouble (the last time something like this happened we found him chest deep in REALLY thick mud; it took forever to get him out without getting stuck)

9. Bofur must find some job to do around the camp. He cannot just sit there, smoke his pipe and tell jokes while everyone else is working (though it is quite amusing)

10. When watching the ponies, Fili and Kili must be tied to a tree (we are not sure how they manage it, but they always loose a pony; this way they have nothing else to do BUT watch the ponies)

11. Kili is not allowed to collect firewood without an escort. He has the infuriating ability to disappear for at least an hour while on this job (we are not exactly sure what he does, but no one really wants to find out)

12. Oin is not allowed to wander off in search of herbs and healing plants without first telling someone. The company was an uproar when they found him missing one night and they discovered he had left his hearing trumpet behind (they were all searching for about a half hour and when they returned to the camp, Oin had beat them there and was already having their dinner)

13. Gloin is forbidden to fall asleep before anyone can assign watches; it is not fair that he falls asleep so quickly because unless he wakes up on his own, no one will dare to wake him (we believe that Bilbo almost got an ax to the head when Fili and Kili told him to wake Gloin up)

14. Dwalin is not allowed to make daisy chains while everyone else is setting up camp (One: it is not fair to everyone else who is doing all the work; two: Dwalin and daisies? That's unnerving)

15. Balin ("old and frail" dwarf that he is) is the only dwarf allowed to sit back and watch everyone work (this just seems to be an unwritten rule, so we thought we could wright it down and make it official)

16. Dori is officially in charge of the hygiene of at least the younger generation of dwarves. It disgusts a number of people that the dwarves do not even think to wash their hands before having a meal (we believe that Bilbo was quite nauseated, being the naturally tidy person that he is)

17. Ori is not allowed to write in his journal while walking at ANY TIME in the campsite (we are surprised he did not receive more than a singed boot for accidentally walking through the campfire)

18. Nori is not allowed to wander sneakily about the campfire; to say the least it unnerves a great number of people (including Dwalin)

19. Gandalf is forbidden to leave the campsite at any time for any reason. Whenever he leaves, the company always manages to get into some type of trouble (I doubt anyone wants to relive the parasites incident with the trolls)


	6. Section VI-Article II: Concerning Sleep

**A.N: Thanks guys to everyone who reviewed, favorited and or followed during the last chapter. You guys are the best! Thanks to Princess Shania for this idea! Any who, ONWARD!**

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Section VI – Article II: Concerning Sleep

1. UNLESS you are on watch, there is no excuse for staying up till all hours of the night (Fili and Kili, this means you! No more nighttime conspiracies on how best to pants Dwalin)

2. In line with rule one, LIGHTS OUT at ten o'clock. No ifs ands or buts about it! (And before you ask, YES TORCHES COUNT AS LIGHTS)

3. There will be NO visiting of other dwarves after lights out UNLESS it is an emergency (No Fili, a nighttime conspiracy is not an emergency. However, waking up to a bed full of bugs is. DO NOT DO THAT AGAIN KILI)

4. Dwarves are not allowed to SHARE beds unless they are Fili and Kili (that's just brotherly love for you) unless there is a shortage of beds and no one volunteers to sleep on the ground

5. Thorin is not allowed stay up on watch all night (we do not need a grumpy Thorin)

6. Oin is not allowed to 'sleep' just so he will not have to take watch; you cannot use the excuse that you cannot hear us, we know you can.

7. Gloin must have a separate room from everyone else that is AT LEAST one hundred feet away AND sound proof (that dwarf sounds like thunder! Lindir nearly fell out of his bed when he heard it for the first time, he thought Rivendell was being attacked by an Oliphaunt)

8. Gandalf is not allowed to sleep with his eyes open (do you know how unnerving that is? Dwalin was terrified the next morning because he claimed that you had been staring at him all night)

9. Fili is not allowed to keep watch with Kili, we do not need another midnight conspiracy

10. Kili is forbidden to keep watch alone; if he must then he must be tied firmly to a tree.

11. In line with rule ten, KILI IS FORBBIDEN TO BRAID FLOWERS INTO DWARVES, HOBBITS AND WIZARDS HAIR WHILE THEY ARE ASLEEP (And no Kili do not deny it, we know it was you)

12. No one is allowed to sleep around Bilbo in a camp (who knew he had such strong legs, Thorin had a welt the size of rock on his forehead from that incident)

13. Do not pay attention to what Bifur says in his sleep (even if he says he is going to kill you), it is not true (we hope)

14. DO NOT remove Bofur's hat while he is asleep and attempt to hide it somewhere. HE KNOWS EVERYTHING AND HE WILL COME FOR YOU (Just ask Elladan and Elrohir, they may still be having nightmares)

15. Bombur must wear a mask while he sleeps. It disgusts many people that he inhales moths and they come back out alive (Bilbo almost got sick the last time)

16. NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO DYE BALIN'S HAIR AND BEARD WHILE HE IS ASLEEP (I know its white, but that does not mean it will dye perfectly

17. NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO MENTION DWALIN'S TEDDY BEAR; do not look at it, do not point at it, do not make even the smallest remark about it (he will discover some creative and painful way to tear you limb from limb)

18. Ori must be firmly tied down before going to sleep and his writing supplies must be taken away from him, specifically his quill and ink (no one was aware that he sleep walks; we did not believe that it was even possible to doodle all over someone's face while you are asleep. Gandalf was not amused to wake up with smiley faces and flowers inked into his skin)

19. Nori (like Ori) must also be firmly tied down while he is asleep. He has a bad habit of pickpocketing people in his sleep (Elrond requests that he return circlet)


	7. Section III-Article V: Concerning Weapon

**I AM SO SORRY FOR HOW LONG IT TOOK TO POST THIS, I HAVE NO EXCUSES (well...I technically do, but I won't bore you with that) ANYWAYS I AM SORRY **

**On a brighter note, THANKS YOU GUYS FOR ACTUALLY LIKING THIS STORY, YOU ARE THE BEST! :D**

**If you have any ideas, feel free to share them! :D **

**Thanks to Wraven for the idea! I hope you like it! :D**

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Section III – Article V: Concerning Weapons

1. Each dwarf has their own individual weapon(s). Do NOT switch weapons for any reason unless you are properly trained with that weapon (Dwalin, DO NOT give Ori your ax AGAIN! Multiple heads were very nearly loosed from their bodies and multiple beards were almost given a nasty trim)

2. Dwarves are not allowed to have more than FIVE weapons on their person at one time (Fili, this includes daggers; DO NOT hide a dagger in that specific area again just so we won't take it from you; the guards did not appreciate it in your time in Mirkwood)

3. Dwarves are not allowed to bring their weapons with them while visiting elves; we all know that dwarves and elves do not always get along (we would prefer to avoid another 'Battle of the Inedible Green Food'; Dwalin we know you started it and we DO NOT care if you are the General, DO NOT do it again!)

4. Weapons are not allowed to be used for sport

a. This means no hitting balls of food at unsuspecting elves (KILI)

b. This also means no placing apples or any other fruit on people's heads and trying to shoot them off (KILI AGAIN)

c. KILI IS NOT ALLOWED NEAR FRUIT OR ANY FOOD IF HE IS IN POSSESSION OF A WEAPON OF ANY KIND

5. In line with rule four, dwarves are not allowed to play with weapons. And before ANYONE asks, this includes trying to pin people from a distance with daggers (FILI), and NO JUGGLING weapons (it took several weeks for Thorin's toes to heal properly, do not do that again)

6. IN LINE WITH RULE THREE, Thorin is not allowed to be near any type of weapon when he is negotiating with elves. (We all know that Thorin does not get along with them. We do not need aggressive negotiations; regular negotiations will work just as well.)

7. Fili must have his daggers visible AT ALL TIMES (we do not care if this defeats the purpose of having a HIDDEN weapon, this will at least ensure our own safety.)

8. We have taken a vote, and have unanimously decided that Kili is not allowed to have a weapon of any kind if he is in a hundred feet of Rivendell (too many elves have been a victim to his nefarious plots and many have had to sail to the Undying lands because of it; YOU ARE NOT WILLIAM TELL KILI, WHOEVER THAT MAY BE)

9. Oin is not allowed to claim that his staff is not a weapon; we all know very well that it is a weapon and poor Glorfindel has the scar to prove it.

10. If you value your life, make sure that Gloin's axes are taken away from him while he is sleeping. If this cannot be done, then make sure you stay away from him. Poor Lindir accidentally tripped over him in the dark one night and nearly received an ax to the rear. (Lord Elrond was most pleased that did not happen)

11. DO NOT ANGER ORI. Do not insult his writing, do not insult his art, and do not insult him in ANY WAY. Unless of course, you wish to receive a small rock to the eye (and if you see Saruman, tell him that the eye patch is very becoming on him)

12. Nori is not allowed near plants of any kind, and if any are found in his possession they are to be taken away with due haste. Plants are considered a weapon if they are in Nori's possession, do not eat ANYTHING if he is found with them (poor Lindir was sick for at least a week)

13. Dwalin is not allowed to cut his or anyone else's hair with his axes (if you want to know why he's bald on the top of his head, well there you go)

14. Bifur is not allowed anywhere near small throwing axes as ever since his accident, he has had a strange fascination with them (Lord Elrond is not one to be frightened easily, but even he was afraid when he saw Bifur caressing a small throwing ax with a strange gleam in his eyes)

15. Bofur IS NOT allowed to hide any type of weapon underneath his hat; we do not care if it is a great place to hide a 'bomb' as Saruman calls it DO NOT DO IT

16. Bombur is not allowed to use a ladle as a weapon (he can put one nasty dent in your head with that thing, just ask Erestor. He is quite lucky his hair covers it up, but we highly doubt that he will sneak some of Bombur's stew again)

17. Gandalf is not allowed to fry someone to a crisp without a just cause (and NO Gandalf, frying Mr. Butterbur to a crisp just because he did not deliver your letter IS NOT a just cause)

18. This is not a rule, but a general warning to all: BEWARE of Bilbo Baggins and his frying pan. If you value your life, then you will stay away from him when one is found in his possession. DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF BILBO BAGGIN'S FRYING PAN

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**Oh, and all you guys who pray out there, will you please pray for my Granny? It would be much appreciated! Love you guys! Read and Review please! :D**


	8. Section II-Article IX: Concerning Baths

**A.N: Do you guys know how awesome you are? Cause if you don't then I'm going to keep telling you cause you most certainly are. **

**I really appreciate all the reviews, favorites, and followers! :D **

**Any ideas are welcome, and so are reviews! :D**

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Section II-Article IX: Concerning Hygiene/Bathing

1. All dwarves must bath at least three times a week, there are no exceptions to this rule (have you ever smelled a dwarf who has not bathed in over a week? Sweet Valar what a stench!)

2. All dwarves must wash their hands before a meal (we were not exactly sure what was on Dwalin's hands, but Lindir was nearly sick when he found a suspiciously smelly brown substance in his salad. Bilbo was sick all over Thorin)

3. All dwarves are required to bath in an actual BATHING ROOM when they are visiting elves or at least give everyone a little warning that they are going to be bathing in a FOUNTAIN! (Poor Erestor fainted when he accidentally walked in on the dwarves comparing certain body parts)

4. When bathing, there will be NO CHICKEN FIGHTS (injuries have been numerous, and Lord Elrond would rather not tend to a naked dwarf with a concussion; they can say some PRETTY weird things and have a hard time telling the difference between a male and female elf)

5. All dwarves MUST clean their clothes at least twice a week if not more (frankly, no one understands how they manage to survive wearing dirty clothes for weeks on end without dying of some parasite)

6. All dwarves MUST wash their hair as often as they bath (who knows how many bugs infest those heads?) and before you ask, YES you must wash the braided parts of your hair too (how long can it possibly take to braid hair?)

7. There will be no holding your breath contests while bathing (apparently dwarves are so competitive, that they are still going even at unconsciousness)

8. Fili is not allowed to dunk Kili while bathing; we all know Kili, and we all know he'll probably hurt Fili in a place and in a way that we will not mention (we would rather not have to tend such an injury, and believe me, Lord Elrond was not happy when it happened before)

9. Kili is not allowed to sneak his way out of getting a bath (this includes saying you have intestinal distress, that you are throwing up, or that you have to help so and so with something)

10. Fili and Kili is also not allowed to change the soaps in the bathing room (seriously, everyone had one giant body rash for a MONTH. We will not protect you when they come for revenge)

11. Bifur is not allowed to try and drink up all the bath water; it addles his brain even more if that is even possible.

12. Bifur is also not allowed to try and be a fish. HE IS NOT A FISH

13. Bofur is not allowed to take his hat with him while bathing (Do you know how long it took to dry that thing out?)

14. NO ONE is allowed to take Bofur's hat and use it for catch or use it soak one another (if Bofur does not kill you first, then we most certainly will)

15. Bombur is not allowed to do a cannonball into the bathing pool (it seriously took forever to refill it and the wave nearly washed away the entire washroom)

16. THERE ARE BATHROOMS, AND THEN THERE ARE BATHING ROOMS. They are not the same thing, and we would appreciate it if the dwarves would learn the difference

17. Ori is not allowed to bring his sketchbook with him when bathing (we know that you are supposed to document the entire journey, BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU HAVE TO DOCUMENT EVERY SINGLE ASPECT for sweet Valar's sake, we do not need to see that in great detail!)

18. No one is allowed to give Dwalin scented soap.

19. Gandalf is not allowed to use a spell to clean himself instead of taking a bath (the last time he did this, the spell went horribly wrong and he died himself blue; it was actually pretty funny, but we would rather not deal with an angry Gandalf for about a month)

20. Oin is not allowed to mix some of his herbs into the baths (Lindir was not happy when his hair turned green)


	9. Section VII-Article II: Concerning Prank

Section VII-Article II: Concerning Pranks and/or Prank Wars

1. Pranks between races are strictly FORBIDDEN; any infractions of this rule will result in a prank war that the dwarves WILL MOST CERTAINLY LOSE (you cannot hope to defeat Lord Elrond in his own grounds, he KNOWS ALL *evil laugh here*)

2. NO ONE, be they dwarves, hobbits or wizards are allowed to prank the following people: Saruman (he is still recovering from the last attack; and yes before you ask, he is still swollen up like a balloon. DO NOT PUT A BEE HIVE IN HIS ROOM IF YOU VALUE YOUR LIFE), Lord Elrond (if you value your sanity, do not make him climb up a tree to retrieve his writing supplies again), Erestor (he is already scarred for life from the LAST incident, NEVER tie him to a tree, upside down AGAIN), Glorfindel (he was not happy when he woke up with his new hairstyle. Dwalin we know it was you. DO NOT TRY TO DENY IT), Lindir (he does not take to it very well, he scares very easily and nearly soiled his garments last time), Galadriel (I doubt anyone would dare prank her; that is just not done), Thorin (this will result in the stare of doom), Bilbo (you do NOT want to get him mad. We believe Fili and Kili learned their lesson last time after they woke up with only dresses to wear)

3. THERE WILL BE NO COLLABORATIONS BETWEEN ELVES AND DWARVES! (We are doing our best to keep Elrohir, Elladan, Fili and Kili from uniting against us, but we believe it is a losing battle. WE ARE ALL DOOMED)

4. DO NOT braid flowers into Thorin's hair AGAIN Fili and Kili (all of Rivendell felt his wrath when he awoke with buttercups and daisies EVERYWHERE)

5. Fili is not allowed near the library any more (Lord Elrond respectfully requires that Fili put EVERYTHING back where he found it; he did not appreciate the mess he found that was once his library)

6. Kili is not allowed near the elves bedrooms before (NO ONE wants to wake up with their hair stuck out in all directions completely covered in mud AGAIN!)

7. Oin is not allowed to give Bombur the herbs he uses to cook (we believe they have a conspiracy to take over Rivendell when everyone else is sick from their food)

8. Gloin is not allowed to trick people into listening to him speak about his son Gimli for hours on end (we sincerely believe that Lindir almost died of boredom)

9. Nori is not allowed to hide people's possessions all around Rivendell for them to find (we know you put Lord Elrond's things at the top of the tree; he was not amused)

10. Dori is not allowed to rearrange other's rooms (Elladan and Elrohir want their things back where they were before, they claim they cannot find anything now that everything's put away)

11. Dwalin is FORIBDDEN to cut other people's hair while they are asleep (apparently, mohawks are pretty popular among the elves now)

12. Bombur is not allowed to put things in other people's foods (we do not need another stomach bug epidemic or something else of that kind! Even though it was amusing when Bilbo spewed his dinner all over Thorin, DO NOT DO IT)

13. NO EXPLODING PACKAGES ARE ALLOWED (Gandalf, this means you! Do not do that to ANYONE AGAIN, specifically Saruman!)

14. Ori is not allowed to draw humiliating pictures of his fellow company members and other and place them all around Rivendell (we suggest Ori goes into hiding for a little while until the murderous intentions of the others blows over)

15. Bilbo IS FORBIDDEN to take part in prank wars of ANY KIND (unless you wish to bring hell down upon us all, do NOT anger him)


	10. Fili and Kili's Chapter of Majesty

**Author's Note: SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG FOR THIS YOU GUYS! I have one excuse: I got obsessed with a hobbit Fanfiction story called The Skipper by LinzRW. IT WAS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING! ALL 107 CHAPTERS OF IT AND I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL THE NEXT UPDATE! I highly recommend it to you guys! It was hilarious! Anywho, it inspired this chapter and some of the ideas are from that story. And I'm sorry I haven't replied to your reviews yet so I will now:**

**Wraven: I'M GLAD YOU LIKE IT :D I really hope you like this one!**

**Katari Michelos: Thanks! :D**

**Tamsyn Scarlet: THANK YOU SO MUCH! She's doing better now :D and I'm glad I could make you laugh!**

**Dorano1: Thank ya kindly! :P HOPE YOU LIKE THIS!**

**Girl of Twilight Wings: I hope you liked that chapter! I can always go back and add more if you want! :D**

**Drakos4: Oh there will DEFINITELY be more (*grins evilly*) I'm not finished with our little dwarven friends yet :P**

**Tiarna na fainne: I'm glad you think so highly of this! :D You don't know how happy that makes me! **

**Also, thanks to everyone who favorited and followed! YOU GUYS ARE AMAZING!**

**Reviews, favorites, follows and ideas (MOST DEFINITELY IDEAS :D) are always welcome!**

**Wow…that was a lot to wright…..I think I need to take a break…..I'm so out of shape…..**

**One final thing: Imagine this chapter hand written by some pretty sloppy writers if you please :D**

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Fili and Kili's Chapter of Majesty

1. If you ask anyone what the definition of majesty is, they will answer you one word: Thorin

2. Thorin's majesty is awe-inspiring; anyone who insults his majesty is a blasphemer and will be the victim of our wrath

3. We measure EVERYONE by Thorin's majesty (meaning: everyone has a majestic potential which is rated on a scale in line with Thorin, who is 100% majestic)

4. In line with rule three, only dwarves possess majestic potential

5. The only exceptions to rule four are a few select men, hobbits and wizards (ELVES DO NOT HAVE MAJESTIC POTENTIAL)

6. Everything you do can add or subtract points from the majestic potential scale (for example: if you win a drinking contest you add points, if you are NICE to an ELF you LOSE points)

7. Beards are measured against Thorin's majestic beard too (the more awesome your beard is, the more points you get) and once again Thorin's beard is 100% majestic

8. If you have a Balin, Dwalin, Bombur, or Nori beard you have an automatic 70% on the majestic scale because their beards are just awesome

9. Mustaches do not count on the majestic beard scale

10. Elves are not majestic (they can be considered grand, but that is only for being like Lord Elrond. Most other elves are snobby little tree-huggers who do not have the capability of growing a beard)

11. Kili NO FILI _Kili _is a hairless little rat who possesses no majestic potential because of his lack of beard (if you are below Kili FILI like I said, KILI on the majestic scale you are no better than an elf)

12. Kili is a majestic wanabee who aspires to be like Thorin but never will be because of his lack of majestic potential


	11. Section V-Article II: The Rule Book

Section V-Article II: _Concerning the Rule Book_

1. THE RULE BOOK IS A READ ONLY COPY

2. ONLY THE GUARDIANS OF MIDDLE EARTH ARE ALLOWED TO ADD A CHAPTER AND ONLY WHEN THEY SEE FIT

3. IF ANYONE ELSE EVER ADDS A CHAPTER AGAIN YOU WILL NEVER FIND THEIR REMAINS

4. WHEN FILI AND KILI ARE FOUND THEY WILL BE SEVERLY PUNISHED FOR CLAIMING THAT ELVES HAVE NO MAJESTIC POTENTIAL (Seriously? _Grand?! _Have you not seen my silver circlet? I am majesty at its EPITOME!)

* * *

_Dear Lord Elrond_

The circlet looks like you borrowed it from some she-elf, it makes you look even more femininely than you already are

-Fili and Kili (the hairless majestic wanabee rat)


	12. Subsection I: Concerning Wizards

**Author's Note: THANKS YOU GUYS DO YOU KNOW HOW AWESOME YOU ARE IF YOU DON'T I'M GOING TO KEEP TELL YOU THAT! YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME! :D**

**Sorry, just wanted you guys to know how awesome you are! Now onward to answer reviews since I didn't PM anybody!**

**Wraven: Oh yes, Fili and Kili are in SERIOUS trouble and I would advise them to avoid elves for the rest of their lives, which will be pretty short if they fail to comply with prior statement *evil laugh***

**EverydayMagic17: I'm glad I made you laugh so hard :D Don't worry, there's A LOT MORE TO COME *evil grin* I'm not done with our friends yet hehehehehehe**

**Katari Michelos: Female dwarf beards are just pure awesome because women of other races can't grow them :D And thanks for the idea!**

**Louisiana Stephenic: I'm glad you liked it! And don't worry, I will :D You know at the part with Elrond's slippers, I just kept thinking of the guy from Mulan screaming YOU OWE ME A NEW PAIR OF SLIPPERS **

**Luaithreach: I'm glad you liked it! :) I hope you like this one too! LONG LIVE THORIN'S MAJESTY**

**Thanks to Katari Michelos for the idea for this chapter! I hope you like it! :D**

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Section VII - Article II Subsection I: Concerning Wizards and Prank Wars

1. Gandalf is not allowed to call for reinforcements during a prank war (do you hear us? NO DRAGGING RADAGAST INTO THIS AGAIN)

2. IF SOME HOW RADAGAST GETS INVOLVED IN A PRANK WAR, HE MUST FOLLOW THE LIST OF RULES THAT APPLIES TO HIM

3. Since Saruman also seems to get himself involved in prank wars he must follow the rules that apply to him

4. Gandalf is not allowed use fireworks in a prank war (Gandalf, spelling out 'Saruman likes women's clothing' with fireworks was NOT AMUSING; we would not be surprised if all of Middle Earth saw it)

5. Saruman is not allowed to use the Palantir to figure out how Gandalf and Radagast are trying to prank him (that's an unfair advantage over the others)

6. Radagast is not allowed to call bunnies into the prank war; especially if they are rabid rabbits from the cave of Caebannog (all of Rivendell is still suffering from sore behinds; those things bite HARD)

7. Gandalf is not allowed to use any magic in a prank war (let's not have a recreation of the Isengard Massacre; the ents do not like fire)

8. Saruman is not allowed to form an alliance with Sauron and drag him into it either (wait what?)

9. Radagast is not allowed to call in porcupines as reinforcements (those little buggers have a bad habit of leaving their left over quills straight up in people's chairs)

10. Gandalf is not allowed to talk in riddles all day just to drive people insane (seriously, Lindir thinks everything is a riddle now)

11. Saruman is not allowed to call in Ori to help him win a prank war (that means NO HUMILIATING PICUTRES OF GANDALF DRUNK AND RADAGAST DOING UNTHINKABLE THINGS WITH ANIMALS)

12. Gandalf is not allowed to call in the ents to take down Isengard in a prank war

13. Radagast is not allowed to call in birds during a prank war unless the birds are housetrained (do you know how many times they did their business on Erestor's head?)

14. Gandalf is not allowed to form an alliance with any of the dwarves (ESPECIALLY FILI AND KILI; do not pull them into this if you value your life)

15. Gandalf is not allowed to form an alliance with Bilbo Baggins and bring him in as reinforcements (that hobbit is the prank war MASTER; it's just not fair to everyone else if you do that; he'll bring Rivendell to its knees in a day)

16. Radagast is not allowed to run over people in his rabbit sleigh

17. Saruman is not allowed to go all swashbuckling buccaneer and make Gandalf walk the plank (we sincerely have no idea what you are talking about, but just because you have an eye patch doesn't mean you get a very nice ship, a long sword, a feathered hat, lots of treasure and a weird multicolored bird that can talk)

18. Radagast is not allowed to call in BUGS to his aid during a prank war (Glorfindel apparently has a severe fear of stick insects; do not pull one out of your mouth in front of him again)

19. Saruman is not allowed to teach his weird multicolored bird insults

20. Radagast is not allowed to call in ANY WOODLAND CREATURE AS REINFORCEMENTS during a prank war (AND YES THAT INCLUDES TREES)


	13. Section III – Article X: Concerning Hair

**Author's Note: Come on guys! ONE MORE REVIEW TILL FOURTY! DO YOU KNOW HOW AWESOME THAT IS I NEVER EXPECTED THAT AT ALL WHEN I FIRST STARTED WRITING THIS! I love you guys! You are the best! :D**

**Wraven: I'm glad you liked it! Hope you like this one!**

**Greenwings33: we've already discussed it, but I reiterate this once more: IT MUST HAPPEN :D**

**Louisiana Stephenic: I'm glad you did :D**

**LightsCDark: That was sort of spontaneous, I was trying to figure out what else I could write for Saruman, and that kind of resulted :D**

**Katari Michelos: YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW MUCH FUN IT WAS TO WRIGHT THAT :D I was literally laughing so hard! **

**Thanks to Luaithreach for the idea for this chapter! Hope you like it! READ AND REVIEW GUYS**

* * *

Section III – Article X: Concerning Hair

1. No dwarf is allowed to remark upon an elf's hair style EVER AGAIN (We do not care if we have a different hairstyle than you, that does not give you the excuse to insult us)

2. No dwarf is EVER allowed to give an elf a haircut while they are asleep

3. No dwarf is EVER allowed to braid a she-elf's hair unless they KNOW IT IS A SHE-ELF

4. Regarding rule three, no dwarf is allowed to braid a she-elf's hair UNLESS THEY TELL HER WHAT IT MEANS BEFORE THEY DO IT

5. No one is allowed to question the majesty of Thorin Oakensield's beard (wait what?)

6. Gandalf is not allowed to give ANYONE hair care advice (have you seen what your advice has done to Lindir's poor hair?)

7. IN LINE WITH RULE SIX no dwarf is EVER allowed to give an elf hair care advice

8. No one is allowed to put braids in Bilbo's hair while he is asleep just to see what they will look like (KILI do not do it)

9. No one is allowed to braid FLOWERS into Bilbo's hair while he is asleep (KILI DO NOT DO THAT EITHER; BILBO IS COMING FOR REVENGE)

10. No one is allowed to unbraid Fili's mustache without his permission (which you will never receive, and we would like to know who did it the last time. You will not be punished, we just want to know who you are. Don't let Fili find out who you are either or he will PERSONALLY tear you limb from limb)

11. No one is allowed to leave Bifur unattended while he has scissors (Apparently he likes cutting off elves' hair and braiding it into his own. Poor Glorfindel did not leave his room until it all grew back, but sometimes if you were lucky, you could see the moonlight bouncing off the smoothness of his bald head)

12. Saruman has requested that Bifur teach him how to braid his beard like he does (you have to admit, it is pretty cool the way it alternates between silver and black)

13. Bofur MUST wash his hair for the sake of all those who stand within five feet of him (apparently, he's never taken the hat off to wash the hair underneath. Valar forbid you are standing by him when he DOES take it off. But do not fret, we will prepare a very nice eulogy for you)

14. Kili is a hairless rat who cannot grow a beard to save his life

15. DO NOT MENTION DORI'S LITTLE PONY TAIL, DO NOT POINT AT IT, DO NOT MIMIC IT, DO NOT DO ANYTHING THAT INVOLVES A LITTLE PONY TAIL IF YOU VALUE YOUR LIFE

16. Bombur has to learn how to keep his beard from falling into the food (we do not care what you do, just DO NOT LET IT SIT IN THE FOOD WHILE YOU EAT)

17. LEAVE BALIN'S BEARD ALONE. DO NOT DYE IT. DO NOT CUT IT. DO NOT EVEN BRUSH IT. IF YOU VALUE YOUR LIFE YOU WILL LEAVE IT ALONE.

18. Ori is not allowed to spill ink into ANYONE'S beard or hair, unless of course it is Saruman (he was very happy to have a head of black hair again. We believe he has finally forgiven you for the eye patch)

19. Oin is not allowed to mix shampoos for the elves (a great many elves were walking around with pink hair for a while)

20. WHOEVER CUT OFF DWALIN'S MOHAWK WILL FOREVER RUE THE DAY THAT THEY DID SO (we cannot help you when he comes; and believe us, he is coming for you)

21. If you value your life, you WILL NOT squish Nori's hair (we have not seen Erestor since that last incident, but we have a faint idea his untimely demise had something to do with rope and a VERY tall tree that stood on a cliff looking over Rivendell)

22. We have decided to all pitch in and give Gloin a full hair and beard makeover (it is about time someone finally decided to comb that fuzz ball he calls a beard)


	14. Section V-Article VI: Past Times

**Author's Note: I LIIIIIIVVVVE! Which is really surprising since I've been at field hockey camp getting balls hit at me at like fifty miles an hour or more (since I'm the goalie), but it was COMPLETELY worth it cause this really hot Irish coach complemented me on my playing :P I can die of happiness now. HIS ACCENT WAS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING. I think I'm in love :P **

**ANYWAYS being at camp means no wifi *SOB*. But the GOOD news is that it means A REALLY REALLY long chapter for you all! :D**

**NOW ONWARD TO REVIEWS:**

**FirstLovexx: YOU ARE THE FOURTIETH REVIEWER! CONGRATULATIONS AND SALUTATIONS! Thank ya kindly, I'm glad I could make you laugh :D Hope you like this one!**

**Wraven: thank ya kindly my ever faithful reviewer :D**

**Zstewart1197: Awwwww *blushes* thanks Zach! ARE YOU HOME YET CAUSE NOW I'M FINALLY HOME! YOU'VE BEEN AWAY FOR A MONTH!**

**Katari Michelos: Hehehehehe, I believe you'll find it at the bottom of the chapter. It was quite intense :D**

**TamsynScarlet: I hope you get my PM. I will keep on praying for you :) **

**Luaithreach: I'm glad you like! I hope you like this one too!**

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorited or followed! I love you guys!**

**As always, reviews, favorites, follows and ideas are always welcome! Now onward…FOR NARNIA!**

**This chapter is dedicated to TamsynScarlet**

* * *

Section V-Article VI: Concerning Past Times

1. Any dwarf, wizard or hobbit can do whatever they want as long as it is not destructive, does not insult, maim or kill elves, does not involve weapons, does not involve pranks, and as long as there is no rule forbidding it (so pretty much, you can only do what we say you can do)

2. No dwarf is allowed to create a game that involves elves unless it is approved by higher authority (Dwalin that means no "elf smash, bash and dash". We are still mourning the loss of poor Lindir who got his spine compressed by an oversized rubber hammer.)

3. No dwarf is allowed to create a game that involves any elvish dwellings unless it is approved by higher authority (Kili and Fili that means NO ULTIMATE HIDE AND GO SEEK. NEVER hide in Arwen's closet again)

4. No hobbit is allowed to play an accuracy game that involves elves (Bilbo, it does not matter HOW DRUNK you were, do NOT USE elves as targets for darts AGAIN. You can use dwarves for all we care just do not aim at elves!)

5. No wizard is allowed to perform magic tricks unless they have been approved by higher authority (Gandalf, you had better turn Glorfindel back OTHERWISE THE DWARVES WILL NEVER FIND YOUR REMAINS. For Valar's sake he is a RABBIT! He's a rabid rabbit from the cave of Caebannog and he's biting everyone's backsides!)

6. Thorin is not allowed to give lessons on majesty unless he is willing to open it to elves (you cannot give a class on majesty just to teach dwarves how to be more majestic unless you include people of other races too! Otherwise that is racist, prejudiced against elves, rude and UNMAJESTIC)

7. Fili is not allowed to hide and wait for poor elves to come along and then proceed to throw knives at them to frighten them (and we do not care if you are missing on purpose DO NOT DO IT. You know Lindir scares easily, he fainted clear away!)

8. Fili is not allowed to spar with Elladan and Elrohir (a loss on either side will result in the ULTIMITE PRANK WAR)

9. Ori is not allowed to go near Erestor's writing desk without permission as well as supervision (supervision DOES NOT include Fili and Kili. NEVER BRING THEM WITH YOU AGAIN. Erestor was not happy when he found weird messages and doodles scribbled all over his documents)

10. Ori is also not allowed to set up empty bottles to practice his aim with his sling shot (NEVER place them on the edge of a balcony AGAIN! Erestor was unconscious for at least two days. ALSO, NEVER leave the glass lying around! Hobbits do not wear shoes! When Bilbo's mad, no one is happy.)

11. Balin is allowed to do whatever he wants because he is just an awesome dwarf like that

12. Bifur is forbidden to go near the weapons chamber (we do not want to catch him trying to swallow swords again)

13. Bifur is not allowed to try and gnaw threw the pillars of Rivendell (apparently that dwarf has pretty sharp teeth)

14. Gloin is not allowed to trap poor unsuspecting elves in rooms and force them to listen to him talk about his son (DO YOU HEAR US! Many elves have LITERALLY DIED OF BOREDOM)

15. IN LINE WITH PRIOR RULE, Gloin is also not allowed to brag about his majestic beard (which really is not that majestic, it is a giant fuzz ball) to elves (those elves too, literally died of boredom)

16. Kili MUST be locked away in an upstairs room where no one will ever find him again (no matter WHAT HE DOES, he always manages to get into trouble)

17. In line with rule three, Kili is not allowed to play ultimate Hide and Go seek.

18. Kili is also FORBIDDEN to play ultimate tag (Kili, you trampled three elves, knocked over four statues and trampled five flower beds in an attempt to catch Fili).

19. Kili is ALSO forbidden to orchestrate "mock battles" in the halls of Rivendell

20. Nori is not allowed to teach dwarves lessons on stealth (we do not need a bunch of stealthy Nori's running around! ONE IS QUITE ENOUGH)

21. In line with prior rule, if Nori has these lessons anyways despite the new rule, he is not allowed to use PICKPOCKETING as one of the tests (we request that he returns everything he pickpocketed)

22. Bilbo is not allowed to smoke in ANY of the halls of Rivendell (there are now designated smoking areas. If you do not follow the signs, there will be a serious fine that involves your remaining supply of pipe weed)

23. Bilbo is not allowed to go near ANY cliffs in Rivendell (apparently, Hobbits do not handle heights very well)

24. Bilbo is also not allowed to teach the dwarves how to use a frying pan (one frying pan wielding Hobbit is scary enough, but can you imagine DWARVES? We are all doomed)

25. Bilbo is not allowed to teach the dwarves how to GOLF, or any other game using frying pans

26. Bofur has been asked to be the jester of Rivendell BUT he is not allowed to dance on tabletops (the floor will suit), dance crude DWARVISH dances (elvish dances are MUCH better), sing crude DWARVISH songs (elvish songs are much more melodious), tell crude DWARVISH stories (elvish tales are much nicer) and tell crude DWARVISH jokes (elvish jokes are much more amusing.)

27. Bofur is allowed to carve toys to give to the elflings AS LONG AS he does not carve elves that are being severely maimed by dwarves

28. Dwalin is not allowed to teach ANY elflings how to play games with orc, goblin and warg heads (That means NO bowling, NO golf, NO kickball, NO team handball, NO baseball and NO basketball)

29. Dwalin is allowed to teach little she-elflings how to make daisy chains and flower crowns, AS LONG AS he does not do so in our range of sight (do you understand how unnerving it is to see Dwalin with DAISIES?)

30. Oin is allowed to help in the healing rooms as LONG AS he promises not to substitute elvish medicines with dwarvish medicines

31. Dori is allowed to clean up around Rivendell if he wants to BUT it is volunteer work. YOU DO NOT GET PAID DORI.

32. Bombur is not allowed in, near or within one hundred meters of the kitchen. Not after he cleared the pantries (Lord Elrond was not a happy camper when he found the food was gone)

33. In line with the said rule, Bombur is only allowed to enter the kitchen under supervision, and then only if he is making something for Lord Elrond (no one can possibly deny that Bombur is an excellent cook)

34. Gandalf is not allowed to turn his smoke rings into cool stuff unless he is alone (it is EXTREMELY annoying when he does so, an completely unfair to those who cannot do it)

35. Gandalf is not allowed to launch fireworks in Rivendell unless he sends in a complete layout of what his fireworks will do to the Rivendell National Fireworks Approvement Agency (and before you ask Gandalf, yes it is a thing. Saruman is the president, vice president, secretary, treasurer, and approval committee)

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**Gloin's reaction to makeover from last section**: it was six elves (Elrond, Elrohir, Eladan, Glorfindel, Erestor and Lindir) and one wizard (Saruman) against a weaponless dwarf (they had made sure to remove ALL weapons from the area before they proceeded) and if you have ever seen Walt Disney's Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, I believe the scene where they washed Grumpy would give you a pretty good mental image of what happened to Gloin during the actual incident. What resulted was an absolutely livid dwarf that no one could take seriously since he had buttercups braided through his hair and smelled and I quote, 'like a petunia'. Apparently though he made a vow to wreak revenge on all those who took part in the incident (I believe this involved giving the elves and wizard a personal makeover that resulted in six new "elleths" dressed in pink frilly gowns who wore a GREAT DEAL of makeup and one wizard who had his beard and hair shaved off and an anti-hair growth formula rubbed into his skin (we have a nasty suspicion that Gandalf procured this for Gloin)).

The whole thing went down in history as "The Battle of the Baths". And in history books there is not much said about said incident, but it does mention that Saruman became known as Saruman the Hairless (Majestic Wizard Wanabee) Rat.


	15. Section X-Article XV: Concerning Spars

**Author's note: Uh…hey guys! *waves meekly* sorry about the long update, life has been hectic, and I'm kinda freaking out right now cause there's a massive thunderstorm going on and me and thunder don't do well together at all. So, that somehow got my writing mojo going, and VOILA! Here's the next section! I hope you all like it!**

**Oh, and if you like Lord of the Rings, I have another fanfic that I'm writing called The Dark Star. If you want to you could check it out! I always appreciate feedback! **

**Anyways….ONWARDS TO…..something….somewhere…..?**

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Section X-Article XV: _Concerning Sparring_

1. Sparring takes place in THE TRAINING AREA ONLY. There will be no sparring sessions in the halls of Rivendell where innocent elves can walk in on them unexpectedly! (Fili and Kili, never DO THAT AGAIN. Erestor refuses to leave his room until the missing patch of his hair grows back. You are lucky Erestor has good reflexes)

2. In line with prior rule, if you are watching ponies NO SPARRING SHOULD BE TAKING PLACE

3. If any elves and dwarves are going to spar against each other, then they are required to make a pact beforehand that the losers will lose graciously and there will be no acts of revenge (Dwalin we know you did it; Glorfindel's scream could have been heard all the way in Lothlórien. Never place an orc's head on his chest while he is sleeping AGAIN.)

4. DWARVES ARE NOT ALLOWED TO ASSIST EACH OTHER WHILE SPARRING, unless of course it is a multi-person spar (KILI never trip Elladan again)

5. Kili and Fili are NEVER allowed to spar against Elladan and Elrohir AGAIN (unless you want the mother of all prank wars to result, KEEP THEM AWAY FROM EACH OTHER. THEY ARE ALL SORE-LOSERS)

6. Mock battles are only permitted for training purposes only.

7. Mock battles are only permitted if those participating in them have the permission of higher authority AND have been approved by higher authority too

8. Mock battles are only permitted if it is NOT dwarves vs. elves

9. You know what, mock battles are forbidden, because the dwarves seem to take it very seriously and the idea of severely maiming a dwarf seems to amuse them.

10. Gandalf is not allowed to use magic while sparring and he must help rebuild the training arena (SWEET VALAR YOU BLEW IT TO BITS, NEXT TIME USE YOUR SWORD AND ONLY USE YOUR STAFF TO WHACK PEOPLE)

11. We have made a change to prior rule. Gandalf is forbidden to spar, and he is not allowed to have his sword or staff while in the general area of the training grounds.

12. Kili is not allowed within a hundred feet of the sparring grounds. It is for all our safety that this rule has been established. If you value your sanity, do not let him near it.

13. No one is allowed to yell taunts at Oin if they're sparring with him. We have a conspiracy theory that he can hear you and has no qualms about making you suffer for your foolish words.

14. Dwalin is a sore loser. If you value your sanity, let him win.

15. Bofur is the only dwarf elves can spar against without any repercuss– …Never mind, don't spar with Bofur either. (*to a nearby elf* _go find a sculptor to help get that back into shape)_.

16. We request that Bofur spar with another weapon besides his mattock. Also, you are all cordially invited to the unveiling of Lindir's newly shaped head. The sculptor apparently did a very good job with it; he calls himself the next Pablo Picasso, whoever that is.

17. Thorin is a sore loser too. If he doesn't win, he'll go all majestic brooding and close his majestic classes. You do not want that to happen, especially since he is opening it up to elves now too (even though he claims they still don't have majestic potential. HA! That's a laugh). Let him win.

18. Bombur is not allowed to sit on people while sparring just to get them to admit defeat (we hung Erestor up in the main hall just so you know. He actually makes for a very nice picture if you know what we mean, as flat as he is now.)

19. Fili is only allowed to have his dual swords while sparring (do not argue with us. You pinned Elladan's arms and legs down with your knives (we don't want to know how you managed to do that) and left him there in the rain! It took us days to dig him out of the mud.)

20. Nori is not allowed to head but people if he is sparring (apparently he has a very sharp point hidden in that mass of hair)

21. If you want to make a bet on any sparring competitions, DO NOT GO TO GLOIN (that dwarf has an uncanny ability of wining bets. Many an elf has gone broke because of it.)

22. Concerning prior rule, DO NOT go to Gloin if you are broke for a loan (apparently he has his own company now: Gloin brokers. They run a very high interest though so I would not advise going there, not matter what the dwarves say about what quality service it is)

23. Balin is the only dwarf elves are actually allowed to spar with without any repercussions, so sweet Valar Balin don't go and do anything stupid that will make us recall this rule.

24. Bifur we know your weapon of choice is a pointy stick (staff, pike, whatever), but that does not mean you can go around and poke people in the rear when they're sparring (we don't care how much it amuses you and we DON'T CARE THAT you think elvish behinds look like little pin cushion things DO NOT DO IT!)

25. SLING SHOTS ARE FORBIDDEN IN SPARRING (remember what we said about Saruman's eye patch? We blame you Ori for the swashbuckling pirate Saruman has become. He has this huge idea now that he's going to plunder the seven seas of Middle Earth. THERE AREN'T EVEN SEVEN SEAS! There's plenty of rivers of course though….he could always plunder one of those. We now request that you write an emergency letter to all Middle Earth to warn them of the impending attack. You can deliver it too.)

26. Bilbo is not allowed near the training area when he has a frying pan in his possession. (We don't need to go over this. Bilbo + frying pan = Judgment day. We hope you're ready to meet your maker if you let him have one)

27. Concerning prior rule, we have one final statement to make: Everyone is cordially invited to the eulogy of Saruman, who was stupid enough to think his buccaneer ways would be enough to protect him from the frying pan of doom. We will all mourn the loss of our swashbuckling president, vice president, secretary, treasurer, and approval committee of the Rivendell National Fireworks Approval Agency greatly (even though he was a hairless (majestic wizard wanabee) rat). Refreshments and drinks will follow afterwards.


	16. Section IX-Article IX: Mirkwood Visits

**Author's** **Note:**** Hey Guys! Look at this! I think I'm back in the groove! This chapter was literally so much fun to write so I hope you like it! Thanks guys to all those who reviewed, favorited and or followed the last chapter! You guys are the best! I got home from having a study session for Bio and I checked my email and I had a flood of new emails! It was *sniff* just beautiful guys. :)**

**Oh and in case anyone else was wondering, no Saruman is not gone for good. He will be making more appearances. We have already called in a Necromancer to bring him back. We're not done with him yet, there is much more to come *evil smirk that you would probably see on a demonic clown* MWUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA  
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**TamsynScarlet: I'm glad you enjoyed it! I hope you like this one! :)**

**Wraven: Frankly, I enjoyed those too! :D**

**As always, reviews, favorites, follows and ideas are always welcome! :D**

**Thanks to ****high funcioning fangirl for the idea for this one! :D I hope you like it!**

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Section IX-Article IX: Concerning Mirkwood Visits

1. If at any time a dwarf decides to visit Mirkwood, he must stop by the Mirkwood information kiosk and pick up a list of rules that he must follow by order of King Thranduil. Those rules will be recorded here as well.

2. Regarding prior rule, maps will also be provided there too….if you can find the kiosk to begin with *evil laugh*.

3. All dwarves are required to stay on the path. Do not leave it, otherwise we'll have to come find you and we really don't want to do that.

4. All dwarves, if they leave the path, are required to stay in the area they are in. Do not move around, otherwise we will never find you (we don't entirely understand what the dwarves don't understand about staying put. They're like little baby humans, they're never where you put them. You turn your back for a minute and then you find them down the street)

5. All dwarves are required to bring a sufficient amount of food and water when they enter the forests of Mirkwood (there are no 'taco stands' Kili (whatever that is) so don't bother to look for them.)

6. All dwarves must pay a toll if they want to cross the enchanted river with either a boat or a bridge (Seriously, you pay us a toll: we give you a boat OR we rebuild the bridge. You don't give us a toll: NO boat and NO bridge.)

7. Do not try to avoid paying the toll by using the vines to climb over the river. They are not very sturdy (We don't think anyone wants to give Bombur the kiss of life again. That was a traumatizing experience)

8. Do not try and toss Bilbo over the river with a rope attached to him. Even if he does make it over, who says he'll be in one piece after he lands?

9. Concerning prior rule we would like to issue a general warning to all the dwarves: if it was your idea we suggest going into hiding for a few months. HE is coming for you, and HE is certainly not happy. His frying pan isn't very happy either.

10. Do not drink, bathe or wash clothing in the enchanted river. It has a peculiar tendency to send people to sleep and make them dream about food and King Thranduil. (Don't tell him we said this, but apparently it's a terrifying experience, quite the nightmare.)

11. Do not try to eat any of the animals you find in the woods unless you are in the presence of the elves, that way they can tell you if it's okay to eat it or not (and they can laugh at your facial expressions when you find out it tastes horrible)

12. Do not let yourselves be caught by spiders, because that means we'll have to come rescue you AGAIN. We have better things to do than save your hairy dwarvish behinds all the time.

13. Dwarves are not allowed to be left alone in the forests of Mirkwood because apparently it does funny things to their brains (wait….they have brains?)

14. If for any reason you are placed in the dungeons in Thranduil's kingdom, do not break the door down (Dwalin, you are required to pay for the damages)

15. Dwarves are forbidden to bring presents to Thranduil (apparently a "gift" by dwarvish standards is presenting Thranduil with a picture of himself being impaled.)

16. Pretty much, don't do anything unless Thranduil says you can.

17. Kili is forbidden to speak to Tauriel (by order of Prince blondie himself)

18. Fili and Kili are not allowed to swipe Thranduil's crown and replace it with a crown of daisies (no one took him seriously when he wore that thing)

19. Concerning prior rule, it is advised Kili and Fili go into hiding along with the dwarf who tossed Bilbo across the river. Thranduil and Bilbo have apparently teamed up and are coming for you. You have been warned.

20. Thorin is not allowed to yell insults at Thranduil in Khuzdul (he has a Khuzdul-Sindarin dictionary)

21. Concerning prior rule, Thranduil would like his Khuzdul-Sindarin dictionary back. He knows you took it Thorin just so you could insult him in Khuzdul.

22. Oin is not allowed to go anywhere near King Thranduil unless he has his hearing trumpet with him (Thranduil is still avoiding him after the last incident. Who knew Oin secretly liked braiding fabulously long golden hair?)

23. Bifur is not allowed to eat any mushrooms he finds in Mirkwood. (That was unnerving, to say the least. According to the other dwarves he was spouting something like 'peace, love, happiness' in Khuzdul and saying how he was a 'hippie'. The last time we saw him, he was still under the effect of the mushrooms and was wearing very bright multi-colored clothing)

24. Balin is the only dwarf allowed in Mirkwood because he is the only dwarf who is at least _somewhat_ respectful.

25. Kili is not allowed to impersonate King Thranduil (he was not amused when he found Kili sitting on his throne doing what he called 'the elf-king lazy boy slouch that makes him look plain stupid up on that throne')

26. Kili is not allowed to call King Thranduil a woman (we don't care if it was a simple mistake. He was not happy to be called 'Queen')

27. Kili is not allowed to make fun of the elk.

28. Since Bilbo is the only one in the company with any brains, he is the one who will lead the company in Mirkwood and talk to Thranduil on behalf of the dwarves (at least that way we won't have to worry about Thorin insulting him in other languages)

29. Before Bilbo enters that Halls of Thranduil, his ring must be taken into custody (We knew Bilbo had a mean streak, but we didn't know it was to that extent. Apparently he finds great pleasure in appearing randomly in elves company and scaring them out of their wits)

30. Gloin is not allowed to show pictures of his wife and son to Legolas (he may look calm and collected, but actually he is having the heart attack of a life time. Please don't send him to the Undying Lands before his time has come Gloin)

31. We heard about the dinner incident in Rivendell and would like to issue a general warning to Bofur. DO NOT STAND ON THE TABLE AND SING ABOUT THE MAN IN THE MOON IN THE MIDDLE OF DINNER IF YOU VALUE YOUR LIFE WHILE YOU ARE IN MIRKWOOD.

32. Nori is not allowed to lead the dwarves in Mirkwood because apparently he has a horrible sense of direction and likes to follow paths that aren't really there

33. Thranduil requests that Nori return his crown.

34. Thranduil also requests that Nori return his elk.

35. Dwalin is not allowed within a hundred feet of Mirkwood. He and Thranduil didn't hit off very well (end result: broken body parts, blood everywhere, and a livid elf-king with a broken antler crown thingy)

36. If by some strange chance Dwalin ends up in Mirkwood, he must be placed in the deepest, darkest dungeon King Thranduil has under heavy guard.

37. Concerning prior rule, that dungeon must have a stone floor (apparently, Dwalin can dig _VERY_ quickly)

38. Gandalf is not allowed to take the dwarves and leave them on the edge of Mirkwood to fend for themselves. They are YOUR responsibility Gandalf, don't expect Thranduil to take care of them. He'll feed them to the spiders the first opportunity he has.

39. Bombur is not allowed to intrude on elvish feasts. The last time he did so he ate all the food. King Thranduil is one grumpy elf if he doesn't get enough to eat.

40. Ori is not allowed to make cartoons of the royal family of Mirkwood and distribute them amongst the dwarves (you may not realize it, but things circulate quickly. Do not draw Thranduil as some mushroom loving "hippie" again)

41. If you are leaving the halls of Thranduil, then please take your leave through the FRONT DOOR. Yes there is a front door. DO NOT stow away in barrels and get out that way just because you don't want to say bye to Thranduil.


	17. Section VI-Article XXX: Parties

Section VI-Article XXX: Concerning Parties

1. No dwarf is allowed at a party IF he has been caught meddling with the rule book (we have not forgotten Fili and Kili, you shall pay)

2. No dwarf is allowed at a party IF they have been caught shirking the rules (so pretty much that means none of you can have a party! HAHA SUCKERS! *screams the esteemed Elf Lord as he rips off his esteemed robes to reveal an outfit COMPLETELY covered in sequins as he begins to do the disco)

3. No dwarf is allowed at a party UNLESS they have a copy of the rule book on their person (there are a lot of sections that could apply to a party situation, you never know when you might need it)

4. There will be no parties thrown without the approval of higher authority (meaning: you must first send in a request to the Rivendell International Party Approval Committee. Saruman is the president, vice president, secretary, and approval committee)

5. Prior rule being said, all the dwarves are invited to the welcome back party that we are throwing for Saruman who (as he says) took a VERY LONG vacation in Valinor (we all know Bilbo was too good for him though, but we're not going to burst his little bubble)

6. If any party is thrown without higher approval the consequences will be numerous (just ask Fili and Kili, they threw a party and didn't invite us. They have to be Elladan and Elrohir's personal servants for a _month_.)

7. Dwarves are required to follow all rules applying to alcoholic drinks if they are present at a party (see Section I-Article I: Concerning Ale)

8. Dwarves are required to follow all rules applying to being a guest (see Section V-Article IV: Concerning Guests)

9. Gandalf is not allowed to do party tricks and his staff must be taken into custody at the beginning of the party (Gandalf we know you like fireworks, but launching fireworks straight into Saruman is not a good idea. And don't you dare say that it slipped, we both know it didn't)

10. Gandalf is not allowed to have Fourth of July parties UNLESS he gets rid of all fireworks, sparklers, poppers, caps and smoke bombs (those things stink Gandalf. Don't bring them anywhere near us again)

11. Thorin is not allowed to go all party animal and crash any party he chooses (who knew he had it in him? It was a great shock to learn just how much Thorin loved to party)

12. Fili is not allowed to dance on any dinner table (do we need to remind everyone of the last incident? Saruman is coming for you. He knows you did it. We advise going into hiding. Don't go anywhere near the ocean though, cause you know Saruman's a swashbuckling buccaneer right?)

13. Bifur is not allowed to start breakdancing (what?) in the middle of the dance floor (wouldn't spinning on your head push the ax deeper into your brain? Apparently not…it actually looks like it helps a lot. That must take great balance though….wonder if he could teach me how to do that)

14. Anyone who wants to help clean up after a party must go speak with the head of the Official Clean Up Brigade of Rivendell (the president is none other than our good friend Dori) on a further note, anyone who we don't like is officially a member (hehehehehe….we hope Dwalin likes his uniform)

15. Oin is not allowed to request that the music be played any louder than what the standard volume (we know you can't hear very well, but having the music played AS LOUD AS IS PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE is pretty much a death sentence to all elves. We had numerous cases of poor elves whose ears were past the point of saving)

16. Balin is allowed to do anything he wants (because he's just awesome like that)

17. No one is allowed to dress up Balin in a red suit with white trim and give him sack full of presents (we don't care if it was for your 'Christmas Party' Kili, Balin didn't appreciate having Bombur sit on his lap)

18. No one is allowed to let Bofur anywhere near an alcoholic drink (Man that dwarf is one happy drunk. We're not exactly sure what happened between him and Lindir, but Lindir was traumatized and he still hasn't left his room. He just sits there and stares straight ahead, mumbling something about purple fuzz)

19. Kili is not allowed to ask any elf to dance (there have been too many incidents where he accidentally mistakes a guy for a gal and doesn't listen to their protests because he's too drunk to care. Erestor was not happy. He's still washing his mouth out with soap Kili, just so you know. That was a horrifying experience for him)

20. Kili is forbidden to dance around in nothing but a white loin cloth with little white wings attached to his back with his bow and arrows (he shot three people in the rear and then said that they had to fall in love with the first person they saw. Amazingly, they did. We blame Gandalf for the chaos that followed. Apparently Glorfindel has a new infatuation with Gollum)

21. VALENTINE'S DAY PARTIES ARE FORBIDDEN UNLESS YOU ARE IN MORDOR.

22. Gloin is not allowed to dance at a party (who knew he liked to stomp so much while he was dancing. We're making him pay for the new dance floor by the way (There's a giant hole in the one))

23. We don't know what St. Patty's Day is, but if GLOIN EVER DRESSES UP AS A LEPRECHAUN AGAIN YOU WILL NEVER FIND HIS REMAINS! (He was dancing around doing an 'Irish jig' and singing about how we'll never find his pot of gold)

24. St. Patty's Day parties are forbidden unless you have them in Mordor. You can have a Valentine's/ St. Patty's Day extravaganza. Don't invite elves.

25. Dwalin is not allowed to make flower crowns for people to wear at parties (we didn't know Dwalin secretly wanted to be a florist…)

26. Dwalin is not allowed to dress up as a giant bunny rabbit and hop around handing out painted eggs to everyone (do you KNOW how UNNERVING that was? Poor Elladan is afraid of bunnies now.)

27. Concerning prior rule, Radagast is not allowed to bring his rabbit sleigh to Rivendell anymore.

28. Bombur is not allowed to hang out near the refreshments table during a party (by the time everyone else is actually hungry, all the good stuff is gone!)

29. Ori is not allowed to dress up as a mini Balrog and go knock on Glorfindel's door to ask for a cake (we don't care if it was Halloween, DON'T DO IT AGAIN! We still can't get Glorfindel to leave his room, and now he wants us to send in Gollum to help him recover (we still haven't found an antidote to Kili's arrows))

30. Bombur is not allowed to raid the kitchen's for his Thanksgiving Day party UNLESS he intends to refill the Rivendell stores (he took everything! Even our cranberries!)

31. Bilbo is the official party king of all parties that are held in Middle Earth (no arguing, Bilbo is awesome)


End file.
